What Grieving People Won’t Tell You | Eleven Things You Should Know if You Know Someone Going Through Grief

When someone we care about is going through grief, especially if we’ve never gone through it ourselves, it’s difficult to know how we’re supposed to show up for them, what we’re supposed to say, or what we’re supposed to do. So, it’s easy to feel a little lost if you’re trying to figure out how to be there for your friend as they try to navigate their grief.

            Well, I’m here to help. After my brother suddenly passed away in 2023, I heard, experienced, and dealt with it all. I was 25 when he died, so a lot of my friends also didn’t really have that much experience with grief. And even though they didn’t know what to do, and even though they made some mistakes, I simply would not be sitting here writing this today without them.

            So as someone who has walked through grief myself, I want to share eleven things grieving people won’t tell you to hopefully help you be there for someone that’s grieving in your life.

1.     There is No Right Thing to Say

There really isn’t. So don’t waste any of your time trying to figure out the right words to say to someone who lost a person they love. They are going through one of the worse experiences we will have in this life, and no arrangement of words is going to change that. Nothing you say is going to bring the person they lost back. And there is no magic string of syllables that will fix what’s happening. So don’t put so much pressure on yourself to try to find it.

Plus, this person has probably gotten every generic and kind message out there. So just use whatever combination of words that comes to you. Let them know you’re here for them. Let them know you’re sorry this is happening to them. Let them know that they can call you or ask you to come over at any time. It’s very likely that they won’t ever actually take you up on the final offer, but that’s not what’s important at this stage.

What’s important is just reaching out. Let this person know you are thinking about them. Even if they don’t answer, simply hearing from you is important. So don’t spend too much time debating about what to say, just say something.

2.     But There are Wrong Things to Say

Yes, there are 100% things that you absolutely should not say to someone who is grieving, but the list isn’t very long.

First, don’t compare the death of their loved one to the death of your pet. Pet loss is very sad, and it does require a grieving process of its own. So, I don’t want to invalidate the pain that comes with losing a pet. But as someone who has lost both pets and family members. The two simply just don’t compare. And having that death of a dog compared to the death of my brother was not in any way comforting or helpful. It actually just really made me mad.

Second, don’t say anything that makes this person feel like you’re questioning their relationship with the person who passed away, questioning how they are grieving, or questioning how long they should be grieving. But if you’re here taking the time to read this post, I don’t think you are in danger of feeling this way or making a comment on it.

3.     Don’t Ask Us What We Need

Here’s the thing. You can’t ask them what they need or what you can do, because odds are they don’t even know themselves. So much of their time, thoughts, and energy is probably being spent trying to figure out how to get out of bed, wrap their head around what happened, and putting one foot in front of the other. They don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to know what they might need from you too.

So, asking a grieving person to tell you what to do, no matter how willing you are to do anything they need, is a one-way ticket to never actually doing anything for that person. They aren’t going to ask you to do anything. They aren’t going to tell you how to show up for them and support them.

They are already operating on a significantly limited bandwidth, and they aren’t going to spend any of it trying to figure out how to tell you how to support them. They just want you to do it.

4.     Take Us as We Come

Grief is a complicated thing, and it looks totally different from person to person and from day to day. In those early months of grief, there were some days that I got out of bed, put a smile on my face, and wanted to go out and try to have fun with my friends. Then there were days that I couldn’t even get out from under the covers to brush my teeth. There were days that I couldn't get myself to say a single word about my brother. Then there were days that he was the only thing I could talk about.

Grief is dynamic and it fluctuates. Sometimes it even changes from hour to hour. So, if there’s someone in your life going through it, let them ride the waves that come with grief. Let them feel your support as they try to paddle their way through. If they ask you to go out and celebrate Halloween, do it. If they ask you to come over and sit on the couch in silence, do it. If they call to talk about their loss, listen. If they want to take a break from their grief and do something that makes them happy, let them.

Whatever version they show up as each day, go with it. Take them as they come to you.

5.     Give Us Some Grace

They really need it. Going through grief and losing someone you love is like getting your life flipped upside down. The world as you previously knew it to be is going to be forever changed. And that is a lot to wrap your head around.

And as we all know, during grief, we go through different stages and different emotions. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The big five that we’ve heard of before. People go through them all in different orders and then they go through them over and over again until they don’t. It’s not uniform, and it’s unpredictable. So, when people are going through these stages, they really don’t have much control over themselves, their emotions, or their actions.

Their mental state is controlled by their grief, and they are completely separated from themselves. So, they might behave out of character. They might say things you’d never imagined. And they might seem like a totally different person to you.

Give them some grace as they try to work through their emotions and their grief. If they say something or do something that isn’t normal for them, it’s because they are going through a completely abnormal experience. You need to allow space for them to act slightly out of character as they go through this process.

6.     We Won’t Ever Be the Same as We Were Before

Grief fundamentally changes who we are as people. I have grown up and changed so much since my brother died. I have different perspectives on people and the world. I have different interests. And I have different levels of tolerance for certain things in my life. There are parts of my personality that never returned, and new parts that took their place. I am simply not the same person I was before my brother died.

Understand that now before you find out on your own. Give the person in your life time and space to learn who they are going to be on the other side of their grief. Don’t pressure them or make them feel bad for having different interests or energy levels after going through this. Don’t comment on parts of their personality that don’t return. Allow them to grow and evolve as they deal with their grief.

7.     Give Us Time

There is no timeline for grief, and everyone goes through it in their own time. Not only does it vary from person to person, but it also varies from loss to loss. But what’s true is that time is the best thing for grief. It doesn’t heal everything, and it doesn't make the pain totally go away, but it’s one of the only things that every person going through grief needs.

So, if there’s someone in your life going through it, accept that it’s not going to be a quick process. They will need time to work through this, process the loss, and put the pieces of their life back together as best they can. Don’t pressure them or their timeline as they figure it out. Give them as much time as they need to work through it.

8.     Call, Text, Invite Us Out

Even if they don’t answer, say no, or flake. Do something to reach out. Try to give them options to get out of the house. Give them a chance to step out of the cloud of their grief and do something with you. Even if you think there’s no chance they will say yes, give them the chance to say no. Maybe they’ll say yes this time. Maybe they will say yes because they’ve said no enough.

One of my childhood best friends who I had lost contact with a decade before Nick died did not let my lack of interest in doing anything or my flakiness in my grief deter her. When she heard that Nick died, she not only came to his funeral despite us not speaking for ten years, but she invited me out to dinner time and time again until I finally felt bad for putting it off long enough. She was one of the first people to get me out of the house and she continued to be one of the only people to get me to do something for many months that followed.

I’m immensely grateful for her and her tenacity to get me out of my apartment and do something in the real world. Take a lesson from her. Reach out. Call. Invite. Don’t give up when they say no. Invite again. Eventually they will say yes.

9.     Let Us Talk

Man, I did not want to talk about Nick the majority of the time after he died. But when I did talk about him, it was like a flood that couldn’t be stopped. I would talk and talk and talk. Often, I’d talk about the same thing over and over again. And bless my friends who were willing to sit there and listen to the same thing over and over again.

Because grief is unfamiliar and it takes so much of our bandwidth, talking is what helps us sort through our very scattered thoughts. And saying the same thing over and over again is how we find the words for what we are truly trying to say. So let your friend talk. Let them talk as much or as little as they need to. Let them talk about whatever they need to talk about.

Just sit and listen. Give them a safe space to let their words and their thoughts dump out of them. Help them make sense of what’s going on in their hands. Don’t judge them. Let them say whatever it is they need to say.

10.  We’re Exhausted

Grief is so, so tiring. It takes immense amounts of energy to go through that number and that intensity of emotions on that wild of a rollercoaster. Grief interrupts sleep, and the brain is working overtime to try to process the loss. I’ve never felt so tired all the time as I did in the first couple months after Nick died. And for reference, I was a college athlete playing softball 40 hours a week while maintaining an honor roll GPA. I thought I knew what tiredness was.

And the tiredness of grief was so much worse than anything I had experienced before. There’s not much that you can do to help your friend in this area, because this is just part of it. But let them be tired. If they are telling you they are exhausted, don’t try to convince them to go out and do something. Give them grace. Understand that their mind and their body are working overtime to try to deal with this.

11.  Show Up

At the end of the day, showing up, no matter how, is the most important thing. Whether it’s a phone call, sending food, sending flowers, or showing up at their house. You have to show up. You have to make sure they know you’re there and make them feel supported. Half of the time, my friends came to my apartment just to sit on the couch with me and watch a movie. And guess what, that’s all I really needed.

            But the absolute worst thing you can do for your friend going through grief is to disappear. So, show up no matter what.

Conclusion

            It’s admirable that you’re here trying to figure out how to best show up for someone going through grief. So, you’re clearly going in the right direction. At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for someone who is grieving is to follow their lead and ride this out with them. Find out where they are and what they have to offer every day and meet them there.

            But I will also warn you to make sure to look out for yourself as well. Grief is horrible and all-consuming, and if you’re not careful, their grief could consume you too. You need to find a healthy balance of showing up for your friend while also maintaining some boundaries for your own mental health.

            This is a hard and long journey, but you’re making decent steps by just trying to gain an understanding of what your friend is going through.