How to Know It’s the Right Time to Move in with a Partner | 47 Questions to Ask If You’re Thinking about Moving In Together

It wasn’t long ago that I was asking myself, and the internet, that exact question. I found myself wondering if it was the right time, and how I would know if this was right thing just as you are if you’re here.

            I was very clear with myself from a young age that I didn’t want to live with a significant other unless I knew that we would one day be getting married. A great idea in practice, but as it turns out that idea ended up putting a lot of pressure on the idea of moving in with somebody.

So fast forward to when I’m twenty-five years old. I meet a guy, and the relationship develops quicker and better than I could have ever imagined possible. We both felt very confident in the future that we saw with each other within the first six months of our relationship, and that led us into having some conversations about potentially living with each other at the end of our leases in another six months after that.

From the second we had that first conversation, my boyfriend was very excited to potentially move in together. He was very confident that we would get married but thought that living together would be the final confirmation. He truly did not have any hesitation about living together.

I, however, did have some concerns, but it was nothing to do with our relationship. I loved him, I was pretty sure about us, I was excited at the idea of living with him, and everything in our relationship was working well. All my concerns were about the timing. Was it the right time? Are we ready to move in? Should we spend another lease living apart? How will my parents feel about it? Will my friends think it’s too early? What happens if it doesn’t work out?

Is this you?

I totally get it, moving in with a partner is scary.

But if your main concern is the timing, I’ll just tell you right now that there is no perfect time to move in with someone. Every single relationship has its own timeline, and what works for one relationship might not be right for another. I moved in with my boyfriend after a year and got mixed reviews on what people thought about that timeline. The majority of my friends all thought a year didn’t seem too soon. Some of my friends said that they’d rather wait a couple years for their relationship. My mom was all for it, but my dad adamantly wanted me to wait another year.

All this survey taught me was that everyone is going to have different opinions on when two people should move in together. However, the only two people whose opinions matter are yours and your partner. It’s good to talk to your closest circle and hear their thoughts, because it might give you some perspective that you haven’t thought about before. But at the end of the day, the only person who knows what is best for you and your relationship is you.

I’ve put together some questions about things I asked myself as I worked through my decision to move in with my partner.

1.     Have you had the tough conversations?

What does moving in together mean?

Is this a move towards marriage?

Do you want to get married?

If so, do you want kids?

How do you think kids should be raised?

Have you talked about finances? Both, how finances would be handled prior to marriage and after?

Have you talked about debt?

Have you talked about religion? And how would that apply to your kids?

There are a lot of conversations that should be had before you move in with a partner. Mostly just to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about a lot of things that aren’t pressing now but will be in the future. Trust me, it’s better to have a hard conversation about finances in a marriage now than it would be with a ring on a finger, and a wedding a few months away. Same thing goes for religion and kids.

It's scary to have these conversations, but I promise you it’s better to put it all out on the table to understand how each other’s minds work on these topics before there is a lease between you and all your belongings are intertwined.

But before you do this, know what things you feel strongly about. Know what your deal breakers are and be willing to walk away if a dealbreaker comes up. Again, it’s scary, but you absolutely need to be aligned with all these big topics.

2.     Can you see a future with your partner?

A silly question if you’re talking about moving in with each other, because clearly, you can see enough of a future to sign a lease for the next year. But I mean beyond that. Can you see the two of you getting married if getting married is what you want. If getting married isn’t what you want, can you see everything else you want with this person? Can you imagine buying a house with this person? Having a kid with this person? Imagine your future son or daughter turning out to be exactly like your partner. Does that picture make you happy? Can you see your partner helping you through the hardest parts of your life? The loss of your parents, losing a job, moving, the ups and downs of having a kid, or anything else you fear. Will this person have the capacity to provide you with the care and support that you need as you go through the hard times in your life.

If the answer to these questions is a resounding yes, then moving in together might make a lot of sense, but there’s more to moving in with your partner than just seeing the future.

3.     Are you moving in for the right reasons?

Ask yourself why you want to move in with your partner. First, can you even answer? If you can, does that answer make sense to you? If your best friend gave you the exact same reason for wanting to move in with their partner, would it make sense to you then? I won’t tell you what the right answer is, because the right answer for me might not be the same for you and vice versa. But I will tell you some wrong reasons to move in with your partner.

Are you moving in with your partner primarily because of logistical reasons? Your leases are ending, so you’re taking it as a sign that it just makes sense to move in? Did you and your current roommate decide to no longer live together and you can’t afford to live on your own? Did your apartment raise your rent, and you think having a partner to split it with you sounds pretty nice? Do you think moving in with your partner will help fix the problems in your relationship?

None of these are the right reasons to move in with your partner. Maybe one of these things came up and started moving your mind in that direction, but it shouldn’t be the primary reason to decide to combine your lives and move in.

4.     Do you have a “If Sh** Hits the Fan” Plan?

This is my favorite piece of advice to give to anyone who is talking about making a huge life decision like moving in with your partner. Moving in with someone is taking a step down a path in a certain direction, but what happens if that decision doesn’t work out the way that you thought it would? Moving in with someone could put some added pressure on your relationship to work through things and stay together under circumstances that you might not if you didn’t live together. It gives you a little less space to gauge whether or not your relationship is working, because once you’re living together it’s a lot harder to admit that it’s not working and leave.

My best way to combat this is to have a “If Sh** Hits the Fan” Plan. Lay out your plan, one that is totally thought through, for what you would do if things aren’t working out. Having a plan and knowing what you want to do if your relationship is coming to an end will give you the power and confidence to leave if that’s the right thing to do. It will alleviate the fear of the unknown that might make you decide to stay when you shouldn’t. So, what’s your “If Sh** Hits the Fan” Plan? What would you do? Where would you go? What’s your backup plan to leave and heal?

Once you have the plan, you can put in a mental box and never think about it again, but you know it’s there if you need it.

5.     What does your gut say?

Of every question on this list, this is the most important one. Because in everything you do, there’s always a little voice in the back of your head that you should never ignore. Is there a little voice saying it’s not the right time? Is there a little voice saying there are things you need to still talk about? Is there a little voice telling you to wait?

What is that feeling deep in your gut when you think about living with your partner? Do you feel dread? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel peace? Think about the source of that feeling. Never, ever ignore the little voice or feeling in your gut, but it is right more often than not.

When I was first talking about moving in with my partner, the little voice in my head was telling me it was the right decision, but I still had concerns about the timing. But after spending time thinking about it, I realized my fear was what other people would think about our decision to move in together when we had barely been together for a year. When I put that fear aside, all I felt in my gut was peace. That was how I knew I was making the right decision.

In Conclusion

            Moving in with a partner is a big, exciting step, and the fact that you and your partner are talking about making this move is a great sign. But with change, naturally comes trepidation, because change is scary. Fear is not a sign that you shouldn’t move in with your partner. Hesitation isn’t necessarily a sign either. But you do need to take some time and be extremely honest with yourself about where that fear and hesitation come from.

            But, if you are intentional about asking your partner and yourself the tough questions about your future, why you’re moving in together, what your plan is if it doesn’t work out, and what your gut says, you’re setting yourself up to make a